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A New Year's Resolution - Other's Rights and Your Responsibility | |
We all make resolutions this time of year. What are you going to do differently this year? If you don't change something, chances are you will get the same results you have been getting with your life. You know the old Alcoholic Anonymous definition of Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I have an offer for you. Make a New Year's Resolution to change one character flaw and I will give you some simple steps that will help. Why Change? If you change your character you will have a profound impact on you personal destiny. You know that. It's just common sense. But changing a flaw into a virtue can be frustrating, so let me help you. Before you get started, you'll need to modify a common attitude that will insure your success in this quest for better character - Take the focus off your rights this year. For the past fifty years, Americans have been obsessed with "Rights." There are rights groups for everything. I am not asking you to give up belonging to any of those groups but with your personal life I suggest you focus on your responsibilities not your rights. You can still respect other peoples rights, but for this year long exercise in character development focus on your responsibility while you work on a specific flaw. You understand that you can't change other people. They often choose to behave strangely. They usually have deep seated needs that drive them to keep their flaws. Work on your own, even if you start to recognize that what you are doing for yourself would be beneficial to your partner, friend, spouse or child. You can't push a rope, so change yourself first. Your character will be the golden chord that pulls others along with you. You have a responsibility to change your character. No one can do it for you. So lets get going. And again let me caution you. If you start to notice the ten most common flaws in other people, work on yourself. Others are really difficult to change. Here is an encapsulation of the process. First pick a flaw, any flaw that you have. It might be "addicted to being right," "self pity, "or "dishonesty," whatever it is that is a chronic problem with you. Write it down. I usually caution people to write it down in a place that is safe from prying eyes, but if you are like me, you wear your character flaws on you sleeve. Everyone else knows what your big flaws are. Don't worry even if someone finds what you have written it will come as no surprise. It may surprise them that you made a resolution to change or better yet to release the flaw. Our friends accept us, flaws and all. Often those who know us for a very long time give up hope that we will try to change. That's okay. Their hope isn't going to change you. The next step is to make a decision to become willing to let the flaw go. Did you get that? It sounded strange to me when I read it. Make a decision to become willing. I am not asking you to give up the flaw. You and I most probably couldn't figure out how to let it go anyhow. Just be willing to. Willingness is a very humbling task. It will bring you in touch with all sorts of truths about yourself. First of all you will have to confront whether you really are willing to let it go. Even if you are you will be faced with that gnawing feeling that you are letting go of a friend. Character Flaws are friends? Did I just write that? Yes, and for some of us they are best friends. Watch anyone who compulsively lies. He is probably using dishonesty to feel in control and protected. When you decide to release a flaw, you will be directly confronted with a belief. What do you believe gives you the right to use that flaw? Face it, we use our flaws because we believe we have a right to. We may say it is our nature, or we were born that way; or we may say it is something we learned from our childhood. Whatever we blame for teaching us the belief doesn't matter. What really matters is that you recognize that there is a belief down deep that says we have a right to our character flaws. It is protecting a need that I have. What are the basic needs that the character flaw is protecting? Here they are in a nutshell: Belonging or the need to be loved; Fun or the need for some variety in life; Acceptance or the need for approval; and finally freedom or the need for security. You can call them by other names if you like. It doesn't matter, but chances are excellent that you believe that the flaw is protecting one of those needs. What is the first step to letting it go? This is the simple part, because you can put anything down. Just focus on willingness to do it. Something will happen to test you. Life is like that. Make a decision to let go of a flaw and life will provide the opportunity. Decide what is the virtue that would balance or replace the flaw. You can't stuff a virtue into yourself. You have to create a little vacuum that draws it out. Release the flaw and then use the virtue in it's place. Something remarkable will happen. The flaw will be temporarily gone and the virtue will fill the need you had. It's temporary, but all you have to do is remain willing and life will offer you more opportunity. So what was the flaw you were willing to release? Have you written it down? What did you believe gave you the right to use that flaw? What needs did that belief fulfill? What virtue can replace that flaw? Finally you will discover a new belief that you can adopt, that will allow you to use that virtue and take care of that need. It's simple if you work it. Have a Joyful New Year. May your family be healthy and prosperous and may your change in character bring great rewards to you and your loved ones. |
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