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How do you know you are possessed by a flaw? | |
Everybody has some character flaws, but for most of us there is a bigger problem. Some of our character flaws have us. That's right. You read that correctly. You are possessed by the flaw rather than possessing it. A few centuries ago in Salem, this would have been called a demonic possession. Now we know that sometimes our flaws can act as though they were totally autonomous. They take possession of you and run your psyche as though you were on automatic pilot. It is as though you were a bus and every now and then someone else is driving your bus. The problem is that this driver is out of control. You don't think its possible in your case? Ask your spouse or a close friend. Better yet ask someone who doesn't like you. They probably can see it better than a friend. If you can chew gum, drive, listen to the radio and still get home alive, you know that you are capable of creating parts of your psyche that run your life without your thinking. Did you ever drive home and not remember the drive, because you were ingrossed in deep thought or a stimulating conversation. You used the brake, maybe shifted the car a few times, avoided accidents, sang off key with the radio and it happened automatically. Our flaws can be like that. Sometimes a single flaw or a constellation of related flaws operate on their own. We automatically go into reaction, feel resentment, blame, feel inadequate and maybe even go into raging indignation without even being aware that it happened. Reacting automatically with a flaw is a dilemma that interferes with the ordinary everyday business of living a moral life. Responding consciously, sometimes even with what looks like a flaw is healthier than reacting automatically with a character flaw. Did you ever do the same stupid thing more than once and sincerely wish you hadn't done it? When a flaw reoccurs automatically, without your conscious permission then it has possession of you. Possession by a flaw is not uncommon. Take dishonesty. I love to poke fun at our politicians with this one, but did you ever tell a small lie without even thinking about it? Research shows that people lie all the time. The most common lie is about why you are late for appointments. It is the traffic lie. Here in Toledo traffic may not count for much, but if you have ever lived in Boston or New York or parked on the Garden State Parkway or New Jersey Turnpike ( the world's largest parking lot) you know what a great excuse it is. Small flaws that reoccur are tolerated by everyone because everybody even saints and sages have character flaws. Large flaws are not. Even if we don't hold ourselves accountable, the flaw will. Flaws tend to punish us over our lifetime even if we think we can get away with them. Take Spreewell and his "raging indignation." That flaw was worth millions to him. So the first question was - Is the reaction automatic? If it was and you became aware that you used the flaw after it started then it has possession of you. That means it is time to get to work. It is a flaw that needs to be undone. If not the character defect will contaminate your character. Your future, not just your present, will be affected by the flaw. The next question obviously is -Do you stop afterwards and wish it didn't happen? Regret, remorse, self-recrimination are associated with a readiness, or willingness to let go of the flaw. If you are willing and it keeps occurring, that too is a sign that the flaw possesses you. You may know some people who have serious flaws and no willingness to change. Regret or remorse aren't part of the picture for them. In fact justification for using the flaw is uppermost in the minds when the character flaw is pointed out to them. If you are willing to embark on a program of transformation, let me warn you that you will find yourself irritated with your flaws. That's normal. What is more irritating is that they resurface even after we think we have dealt with them in therapy. Don't be discouraged. Noticing that a flaw has occurred is really a big deal for most of us. Usually we walk around in denial of the negative side or shadow side of our personality. It is not that we wish to suppress our awareness, it is just that the only way we can use these negative qualities is to completely deny that we have them. We need to use them. Often the need is not too sane, but nevertheless it is a need. Every flaw serves a purpose and supports a belief that is useful to us, so it is no wonder that we go to the extent of denying their existence to be able to use them. When you get to the point that you routinely recognize a flaw then you are on the path. Eventually you will discover that there are better ways to deal with life. You will discover that you can make a conscious choice for character. You can chose to use a virtue instead of a flaw. That may not come easily for some, but the fact that your flaws irritate you and you don't want to be possessed by them is the starting point on the path to character development. The last question - Does it repeat itself? Is this flaw a part of an unconscious pattern. That's the way it is if the flaw has you. It occurs automatically, under certain "trigger' circumstances. It has become a habit, and habits rule one's life. The more you are able to notice the repetitious nature of a flaw, the better able you are to understand what drives you to use it. It may take a while to understand what it is that drives the habit, or feeds the need to use the flaw, but you will eventually uncover it. Every flaw is sustained by what I call a "flawed belief system." These beliefs generally help us protect and fulfill basic needs. Next time I'll cover the four basic needs behind character flaws. It will help you understand each of the character flaws that we are going to look at over the next year. |
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