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Blame - What's the Use? | |
If you were one of the crowd accusing the woman of adultery, would you have been able to cast the first stone, or would you have walked away after Jesus spoke? Most of us would have walked away. Sure is was trap to see how Jesus would handle the Jewish law, but as usual the Master was able to turn the blamers inward to introspect. He was brilliant. The focus was switched to forgiveness. The opposite of Christ's strategy is used today. Blame and resentment punishes others and holds them accountable. Here is what we do and why we do it. We blame in order to place the focus on people we think should be held accountable. It is important to search for accountability. It is more important to teach accountability as a basic responsibility. We don't do that as often as we used to. We teach rights rather than responsibility. Is there anything wrong with using blame to assign accountability? Of course not. Accountability is a good thing. It is everywhere you work or play. We have referees in sports and we have inventory, book keeping in business. We have job performance and work reviews. If you want a business to run properly we must make people accountable. It is a sad sort of affairs when a person goes to his first job and has never had to practice accountability. That may sound odd, but for a lot of people showing up at work is their first taste of accountability. Parents are supposed to be the great teachers of accountability. Often though the job is abandoned by people who for what ever neurotic excuse can't seem to hold anyone else, much less their own children accountable. Yet it is our duty to teach the next generation accountability if it is to function and endure for another generation. It ain't me babe. You know the lyrics to the song. It ain't me you're looking for. The implication is that I can't be relied upon or held accountable. We romanticize the free spirit in this society. It is that old cowboy mentality. I heard on the news the other day that a burglar brought his son to "work" with him, because he could find day care for the little child. The father was arrested for breaking and entering. Hopefully he was trying to teach his child that stealing was wrong. Getting caught was how he was going to teach accountability to his son. You doubt it too? Blame is the way to get the heat off yourself. More likely he will blame the police or the burglar alarm system or some other person for getting caught. This foolish, felonious father will miss the opportunity to teach a lesson he needs to learn. He will use blame to get the heat off himself. For many the basis of blame is the desire to be free and the free of being held accountable. Most often we see the legal tactic of blaming the accuser instead of defending oneself on the basis of truth and evidence. It worked in the OJ Simpson case and it works with our politicians. It is an immature way of living. I can remember a few times that my sister blamed me for something. She was afraid of the "wooden spoon." I was the kind of kid who eventually got used to it and didn't care. We all would like to be innocent or undo the things we did wrong. The adolescent adult thinks that the appropriate way of maintaining innocence is to either blame others or to have a "do-over." Blaming some else doesn't make you innocent no matter how well you place it. The truth is still truth. I want to look good in your eyes. Blame and resentment allow me to look good, maintain my self-esteem. The problem with that belief is that one's self-esteem is not based on what others think but of what I myself think of myself. If I am at fault, my value doesn't go down. I am not good when I am right nor bad when I am wrong. I am good in an absolute sense even before the event that I have been blamed for. My behavior can be judged, but not my being. This may sound a little esoteric, but bear with me. There is more too it. We blame others in order to keep people split into good and bad groups. This helps us divide and conquer. When we resent others we are really stacking up old pain. This may serve to intensify the old pain, but it also helps us sort things out. If we can remember where we have been wronged we believe we avoid it in the future. That's useful, but not a great way to live. It is living defensively. Maybe being offensive sounds better to you? Well some people actually go on the offensive with blame and resentment and try to do unto others what has been done to them. It feels like justice. It is actually revenge. People with this character flaw want to see punishment meted out. They like vengeance. This character flaw will always make you feel like you have the right to punish someone else. You may have that right. You might be justified. Key word might. Just remember this character flaw is linked to Martyr Syndrome, which will never let you believe that you have punished the other person enough Marriages made in Hell Marriages are made in Heaven right? After all the couples I've seen, I'm not too sure. I know that most of the time they are not made down here on earth. When blame and its cargo, resentment, infect a marriage it becomes fertile grounds for constant conflict. It is a marriage made in Hell. Marriages fall apart when resentment reigns. In couples therapy one of the first things needed is to focus couples away from their individual rights. Good marriages are not made of individuals. Good marriages are made of two becoming spiritually united as one. I know it sounds old fashioned, But it takes sacrifice, commitment and responsible action to make a marriage strong. The focus on individual rights breeds discontent, blame and resentments. Focusing on responsibilities, duties and roles helps to clarify misunderstandings that lead to blame. I am not naive enough to think that relationships are easy if you follow a few simple rules. They can be very difficult. But when one of the partners blames and harbors intense resentments the relationship is often doomed. Good, long lasting relationships require that we reduce our egos and release our character flaws. When one partner resents, the other gets demonized. Patients who are unduly rebellious choose to act out even more, because they hate being blamed. "As long as I am being blamed for it I might as well do it." We treat resentment as relatively innocuous. We believe that there is no great cause for alarm. "If I resent that person, I'll just avoid him," is what we tell ourselves. The problem is that it contaminates our thinking in other areas. We don't function as well as we could when we walk around with resentments. Most spouses who are married to someone using resentment are well equipped to play with the character flaw of victimization. It is part of their game. They chose the person to be with in the relationship. They might not have done it consciously. It may have just been a marriage made in Hell. Here are a couple of simple rules to follow in your relationship when you discover that you have been using blame and resentment. Rule #1 When there is a problem in your relationship, change a character Flaw in yourself. Rule #2 If you discover the other person is to blame, reread rule # 1. Think about it. |
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