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Addicted to Being Right | |
This is it. If you have one flaw, chances are you have Addicted to Being Right. This defect is really high maintenance. It is the most common character flaw of all. You see it everywhere, from Archie Bunker to Angelica, from Bill Clinton to Ross Perot. It is almost impossible to find someone who is not addicted to being right. You know who these people are. They have to get you to agree and their way is the right way. You may have a good idea, but if it doesn't agree with theirs, they will criticize you. If you stand up for your own opinion, they get upset. They don't feel happy until and unless you can see it their way. Being right is different than being addicted to it. It is your responsibility to know the truth and stand by it. You must defend righteous behavior, especially now that we live in a society in moral crisis. Being right about something doesn't give you the right to drive other people crazy though. It also doesn't justify your trying to control or change things that you have no control over. Remember the scene where Archie Bunker watches his "commie-pinko-leftist-liberal" son-in-law put on his shoes and socks. His son-in-law puts on the left sock, the left shoe and then starts on the right sock. Archie gets livid. "You not supposed to do it that way. Any idiot knows it's the right sock, then left sock, and then you start on the shoes." Archie can't convince him to change the way he does it. He stays upset about it for quite a while. He is addicted to being right. Right vs. Happy "Would you rather be right or happy," asked a therapist to one of my patients. I thought about that for a while. Some people are so caught up in the need to be right that they will sacrifice their own sense of well being. They argue incessantly about their point of view. You know the type, they have to convince you of their opinion, not offer it to you. Being upset about the things we can not control, especially the thoughts of other people is goofy. Allowing your emotions to go out of control because someone else doesn't agree with you is not too sane either. Most of us can't control when our emotions are going to erupt, but we can tone them down when they flair up. We can't control that automatic response to believe that the way we think it is, is the "truth." Our beliefs are fairly well engraved into our psyche. Some come with birth, and others come from the way we are raised, but regardless of where they come from, we pretty much believe them. We change them with experience and insight. Yes, humans can become wiser as they grow older. They also can become more entrenched with each passing year. A person can become more addicted to being right as they go unhappily through life. Being right is not a solution to life's problems, though many of us treat it as though it were. Being right for many of us feels like it is safe: "At least I knew I was right." Sometimes being right feels like being stable: "Now that you got that straight, we can get on with the other business." I have heard numerous patients tell me that they were severely punished by their childhood figures of authority. The only way to avoid it was to prove you were justified, to prove you were right. For them Addicted to being right was crucial for them to have a feeling of well being. It was a solution to an unsafe situation. Now it is safety and security. More often than not though, being right is just about false pride and the need to feel important or better than someone else. It is driven by inadequacy and shame. In that case it is a poor solution - and it is always temporary - because the inadequacy lingers below the surface awaiting someone else to set it off. Addicted to being right is the problem not the solution. If I am addicted to being right all I have to do is find someone else to contradict me. I wait. I seek. I react. I pounce. Addicted to being right then becomes an attack. It doesn't feel that way to the person who has the flaw, but just ask your friends. The boss who is addicted to being right is the one who get the rolled eyes by his subordinates and has work relationships that are at a more than casual distance, because no one can really approach him with an original idea. You can approach with one of his original ideas but not with your own. When wrong admit it! Did that shock you? Then let me tone it down a little. If you have the character flaw, Addicted to Being Right, shock your friends and family. Every now and then admit that you are wrong. No one is right all the time, especially you. So admit it when you can. If that is too difficult, then just be willing too. Don't actually admit it at first, just work on being willing to admit you don't know it all. It will come as a shock to you, but actually admitting it is easier than the willingness to admit it. When it does come, - when you actually say, "I think I am mistaken and you're right about this," you will shock your friends. They'll recover. Trust me they wiill. Here is a brief summary of how you deprogram the Addicted to Being Right flaw. I will cover it more fully in the next article. Notice that you are upset that someone else doesn't agree that you are right. Pause and allow yourself to see how crazy it is to be upset about who's right. Don't be angry that you are in reaction, but chalk it up to an opportunity to gain insight about yourself. Forgive the other person for not having your "wonderful" insight. Hey, they have the freedom to believe what they want. If by any remote possibility you believe that you are in reaction and wrong about it, please admit it. The bottom line here is that people who are addicted to being right usually sound pretty stupid. That doesn't sound too kind, but you know it's true. Someone who would rather be right than happy usually will argue to the point of absurdity. A very astute editor once graciously pointed out that right and happy are not two ends of the same spectrum. I know that. It's about being in reaction to the right of other people to have their own thoughts vs. being happy with that freedom. It is about having the serenity to control what you can and accepting that someone else controls what they believe. Go ahead and shock someone over the next few days. When wrong, promptly admit it. It's fun. It takes integrity and it is a character building experience. |
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